Seltzer Switch

These days, with especially how hot it is outside, most of us are looking for a cold, convenient drink to quench our thirst. If you’re like me, a beer is too heavy, and a wine sometimes too sugary or strong for the early afternoon. I tend to lean toward the new-ish hard seltzer drinks in a can. They are perfect for a hot afternoon on the lake, a long day on the beach, while enjoying a ride on a pontoon boat, or to whet your whistle during a back yard barbecue. I just want to know where these suckers were when I was in college. Tailgating in The Grove at Ole Miss would have been so much easier. I also kick myself for not thinking of the idea, but I digress.

            One thing about these delicious fruit-flavored seltzer drinks that I consistently hear is that some people of a certain generation (think grandparents) keep accidentally drinking them… at least that’s what they claim. Take my college roommate for example. Her mother was in town to help her with her two extremely young children and engage in some good old fashioned family time. Each morning, my friend’s husband would silently observe his mother-in-law grab a cold, White Claw out of the refrigerator and pour it in her coffee mug. She would sit at the kitchen table with her grandchildren to enjoy breakfast and wash down her daily vitamins with a swig of seltzer. When she was done, she would return to the refrigerator and pour herself another, and this White Claw sipping sporadically continued on throughout the day.

            My friend’s husband didn’t say a word. He was concerned that his mother-in-law may have a drinking problem and was trying to hide the evidence in her coffee mug. He kept quietly observing her throughout her stay and worried how he was going to tell his wife. Finally, he broke the news to my friend. The day after his mother-in-law left, he sat my friend down and simply asked, “Are we concerned about your mother’s drinking at all?”

            My friend was confused, “What are you talking about?”

            “The White Claws at breakfast?”

            My friend was shocked, then laughed. “Are you serious?”

            “Yes. She was pouring them into her coffee mug every morning. She even took her vitamins with it. I think she was trying to hide that she was drinking.”

            My friend immediately called her mother. When she finally answered my friend asked, “Mom. Do you know what a White Claw is?”

            “You mean those carbonated waters in the fridge? They’re delicious!”

            “Mom! You know those have alcohol in them, right?”

            The two women burst into laughter. Her mother responded, “I had no idea. I even told Pops to pick some up at the store for me to have in the morning. No wonder I had such a good time at your house.”

            Yet another incident occurred when my childhood friend realized her father had gotten into the hard seltzers. They were on their family beach vacation, and the refrigerator was filled with all kinds of goodies, including a few Truulys, White Claws, and High Noons. Now, her father is like a cat. He has at least nine lives and has survived multiple near-death experiences including a stroke, sepsis, and even falling into a pond while riding his tractor. Nothing can kill this man, and he will most likely out live us all. That being said, he believed he was simply staying hydrated, much like my other friend’s mother, and proceeded to drink seven…seven!

            When my friend opened the fridge one afternoon, she noticed the hard seltzers had significantly decreased in number. She turned to her dad and said, “Did you drink all the seltzers?”

            “I had a few.”

            “A few? There’s hardly any left. How many?”

            “Seven.”

            “Dad! You know those have alcohol in them?”

            Her dad looked at her nonchalantly and shrugged. “Oh, well I do feel kind of funny.”

            And that was it. The ole cat with at least nine lives just “felt funny” after pounding seven hard seltzers in a sitting. Personally, I’d be on the floor.

            Now, either these seltzers and carbonated waters are truly getting mixed up, or the older generation is on to something when having to spend all this family time. They may have the right idea, even if it’s unintentional. Think about it…you’re finally retired with kids out of your house, and you don’t have to do anything else except enjoy yourself. Why not “accidentally” drink all the seltzers? I’m sure it eases the screams and cries of younger grandchildren. Did you know they even have a brand of ciders called “Bad Granny”?  I guarantee you there was a grandmother out there visiting her grandchildren and ended up accidentally getting into the cup after one of those children pitched a fit. Someone took that incident and ran with it.

            So, lesson learned. If you plan on having the grandparents over anytime soon, make sure they know which drinks are carbonated water and which drinks are the party cocktails. The same could go for kids, too. I know I had to teach my children that the skinny cans with colorful fruit on them are “Mommy’s wine” and will make them sick if they taste one.  And if you see your in-laws pouring one of those cocktails in their coffee cup in the morning, just go on about your business and know they’ve probably earned the right to do so.

I recently saw this shirt in a store and thought it was adorable for the summer. It may be a little campy, but if you’re a fan of summer seltzers and sparkle, it may just be the perfect fit.

Need a koozie for your skinny seltzers? You can find your favorite team’s koozie at Dick’s Sporting Goods or get all types of options from Brumate.

While it’s actually a cider rather than a seltzer, The Bad Granny brand still does the trick. And, for your summer enjoyment…the recipe below is sure to please.