A Snakey Surprise
A few years ago, my husband and I were in the throes of working long days while juggling our first child. To be honest, not much has changed except vocations and another child full of boundless energy added to the mix. Regardless, when I look back on those first few years of parenthood and the all-consuming juggling act, I think of stories like the one I’m about to tell and just hope that sleep deprivation was to blame.
On a random weekday in the spring of 2015 or so, I was swamped with work. Now, most days I would be out in the field assessing patients in the healthcare role I was in, but this particular day, I didn’t have a second to spare. So, I gathered all my things and settled into a windowless office with poor, fluorescent lighting. The amount of paper and computer work I had to complete before it was time to pick my child up from daycare was atrocious, so I needed to lock myself in and concentrate on the task at hand.
About an hour into the piled-up work, I received a call from my husband. I quickly answered with, “Hey, I’m slammed. What’s up?”
“There is a snake in the house.”
Not expecting to hear those words come from the other end of the phone, I quickly replied, “A what? There’s no way.”
“I swear,” Taylor responded firmly.
Now, one fun fact about my husband, Taylor, is that he absolutely hates snakes. Growing up in the South, it’s not uncommon to come across a snake or two. A good-ole harmless garter snake, the occasional water moccasin in a creek, a long, black rat snake, and the dreaded rattle snake are all some I have personally come across in my time. There are not many people who tend to enjoy seeing snakes, but at some point, you just accept they are there and avoid them if possible. However, I don’t believe Taylor has ever truly accepted them- he avoids them at all costs but never accepts them. Another fun fact about Taylor and snakes is that he will scream the shrillest scream when he sees them. It can be quite comical to see the burly, strong, mantastic, six –foot, avid outdoorsman scream like a D-list actress running from an axe-murderer in a cheap horror movie at the sight of the slithery reptile. So, I knew he was panicked.
As I sat in the quiet shoebox of an office, I pondered to myself how on Earth a snake ended up in my house. I thought about the backdoor I sometimes left open for my Labrador. I went through each window in my mind to try and remember if one had been left opened.
“Are you there?” Taylor asked.
“I’m here. Where is the snake? And why aren’t you at work?”
“I came home for lunch. The snake is in the playroom. Sharon found it, and he’s curled up!”
“The playroom? How the hell did a snake get in our playroom?”
I took a deep breath and was thankful my young child had not been the one to find it. Then I quickly responded, “You two better kill it. Just chop it’s head off.”
“I’m not killing that snake. I don’t want snake karma on me, and Sharon doesn’t either. I’ll call you back.”
I hung up the phone, then tried to regroup, all while wondering how in the world Taylor and Sharon were going to catch this snake. Now, Sharon had known Taylor since he was a child, and would come to help us with housework every other week while we were swamped trying to figure out the illusion of work-life-balance. I just couldn’t bear to be thought of someone who couldn’t keep a house because I was working too much. In the South, if you refer to a woman as someone who “can’t keep a house”, it is lethal. No good southern woman wants that said about her!
While I knew Sharon came from the country and must know a thing or two about dealing with an occasional snake, I also knew that Sharon was just as scared of them as Taylor was. Little did that snake know, he had been found by the two safest people- he was sure to live because of their combined fear.
My phone rang again. I picked up just as I was getting back into my work. “Hello?”
“We can’t get it. He is back on a shelf just looking at us.”
“Is he hissing?”
“No. He’s just staring at us.”
“I would think the snake would be hissing, but maybe he is asleep. Have to poked him?”
“Yes- with a broom.”
“And he didn’t hiss?”
“No! I think he moved a little, but I don’t know what to do.”
I thought about the predicament. Then, I realized that there were two very capable adults in my house who were right next to the snake, and that it was ridiculous they had called me to figure out the situation.
“Taylor- let me ask you something. What do you want me to do about this?”
The line got quiet for a few seconds. “I don’t know.”
I finally snapped to it then responded, “You are a grown man who loves all things outdoors, and Sharon is a grown woman from the country. If you two can’t handle a snake then you need to call an exterminator instead of me. I have got to get back to work or I’ll never make it home tonight.”
I said my goodbyes as politely as I possibly could then jumped back into the patient’s chart I was having to summarize. I felt good about the firm advice I gave Sharon and Taylor but was still puzzled as to how that snake got in my house in the first place. I figured since the weather was warming up that more animals were coming out to enjoy the sunshine after a gloomy winter and somehow this mischievous snake had snuggled up for a nap amongst the stuffed animals on a shelf in our playroom.
About thirty minutes later, while I was finally tuned back into work, my phone rang yet again. It was Taylor. I looked at it ringing and thought about not answering it, but curiosity got the best of me. I had to know the snake’s fate.
“Yes?” I impatiently answered.
“You’re never going to believe this.”
“Please do not tell me that snake is running around my house.”
“Well, he would be slithering and not running, but no. He is not doing either of those because he is fake. It was a rubber snake the whole time.”
“What? This has been going on for almost an hour, and you just now realized this?” I rubbed my temples in disbelief. “But, we don’t have any toy snakes?”
“Exactly. We must have gotten it from one of the neighbor’s houses, but it is definitely a rubber snake.”
At that point all I could do was bury my head in the mountains of paperwork in front of me and laugh…and question their judgement. With that said, if any of y’all happen upon a snake this summer, let’s just hope it’s a fake one like the one that terrified Taylor and Sharon and not the real deal.
Looking for some beautiful serpent jewelry? My favorite is from By May. Order some of her beautiful things online or at her store, Bella May, located in Nashville, Tennessee.
Spending more time outdoors this summer? I found this handy snake bite/ bee sting kit on Amazon. Hopefully you’ll never have to use it, but better safe than sorry!
Need to play a prank on someone? For next to nothing, this trusty snake is sure to do the trick. It looks very similar to Taylor and Sharon’s friend.
Finally, there are multiple benefits to having a snake plant in your bedroom. I know I will be going to my local nursery and buying one. These plants have high oxygen production during the day and night, remove pollutants, help fight allergies, are easy to care for, and are aesthetically pleasing.